10 ways to make me delete your comment

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Ian Lurie Mar 14 2012

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My post yesterday really stirred some people up. This is a big blind spot for me. I believe anything worth discussion is worth discussing in a civil manner.

BUT, I had to delete a lot of comments. So I figured I’d better explain what’ll make me delete your comment (or Wall post, by the way):

  1. Anything suggesting biological impossibilities. Sorry, I’m not that limber. And if I was, I wouldn’t stand around while you tried to, er, facilitate. Ew.
  2. Disrespecting others. Take a pill, rewrite your comment and try again.
  3. Blatant link mongering. I’ll say it again: There is NO WAY I’ll believe your name is “Buy Levitra.” Your parents weren’t that cruel.
  4. Really bad writing. If your comment emulates Yoda after a 2-day drinking binge, I assume it’s either machine-written or blatant link mongering. See above.
  5. It’s a sales pitch. I would love to see your cool new SEO tool. I might even review it. So contact me directly, not via my comments. That means more time spent deleting comments, which eats into my Skyrim time, which makes me extremely grumpy and forces me to take over the Lurie household’s one television during prime time or Saturday morning cartoons. That leads to discontent amongst the natives. Which leads to be being grumpy. And so on.
  6. You’ve got nothing to say. “Great post!” isn’t a contribution to the conversation. I do really appreciate the compliment. I’m just not going to publish it, sorry. If you really want to make me happy, show how much you love the post by giving it a +1 or a Tweet.
  7. Trolling. Actually, sometimes I like to play with trolls. I’ll publish your comment and then point out your crappy spelling. If your spelling is perfect, though, I’ll just delete the comment.
  8. You’re just wrong. I try really hard to reduce confusion in the internet marketing industry. If you write a comment saying “I edited my meta keywords tag and ranked #1!!!!” I may send you questions asking to explain, but I’m not going to publish it. My blog. My rules.
  9. You’re trying to get free consulting. Nooooo, sorry. I’m not going to help you fix your internet marketing campaign via a blog comment exchange. Please contact my company, Portent, and we’ll get you set up.
  10. Questioning my parentage. Every detail of the process of bringing me into the world has been explained to me in excruciating detail by both my mother and father, at least 10 times. They were definitely there. Question my sanity instead.
tags : conversation marketing

20 Comments

  1. You won me over at Skyrim.

    • Ian Lurie

      Ian

      That damned game will soon overtake WoW and Starcraft as the biggest timesucks I ever bought. So. Good…

      • I agree with you entirely. It actively makes me get angry with anyone wasting my time and keeping me from playing… and the constant stream of new mod releases is not helping!

  2. Tina

    #7 is pure gold. :)

    /biased editor

  3. Currently deciding whether I should troll, question your sanity, or spel lhike dis.

    Nedliss too sei, Spilleng wun.

  4. Mark

    I was trying to do a funny medley of all ten, but it wasn’t working – it’s just too wrong. Great post though (sorry, had to get one in!)

  5. I was going to write a long comment incorporating each of the ten things you said would get my comment deleted, but it became too much work after the sixth thing . . . and I figured you would have just deleted it anyway. Enjoy your Skyrim.

  6. Got a comment on a post the other day that wished a heart attack on my father. I don’t care how much you disagree with an opinion, you don’t wish death on someone. The comment was serious. I also have a fairly good idea, due to the IP address and a couple of other things the person said, of who it was. What the hell is wrong with people? :|

    • Ian Lurie

      Ian

      I dunno. I got one saying that if I ever rode my bike through Jersey City they’d run me over. I don’t think so…

  7. Ian, you got something in your writing that makes me read it full! Or maybe this is because my fiancée recommended your blog over SEOmoz ;)

    After the yesterdays post, I am not surprised that you come up with this as I knew there will be lots and lots of comment on that!
    Although I cannot disagree even a one point that you mentioned but there are some that really foced me to bang my head against the wall are:

    Point 3: I mean how you can get the name ‘car insurance’ or ‘SEO tools’ I mean seriously! Get a life!

    Point 8: difference of opinion is great but if you are wrong then you are wrong there is no way you should publish the common because by doing that you are actually allow other people to read the wrong stuff. I mean if someone says,” Content is Bull shit in SEO” then it’s not opinion this is total crap that should not be published.

  8. So my main takeaway from this, is that if I really wanted to troll you – I would have to introduce some spelling mistakes?

    OK: heer goez, Y u no publich my komments?

    ;)

    Martin

    • Ian Lurie

      Ian

      Mwahahahahahaah.

  9. Now I’m wondering whether it’s possible to write a script that will “Yoda-ize” a particular comment.

    echo comment | /usr/sbin/yoda-ize

    or for extra obscurity….

    echo comment | /usr/sbin/yoda-ize –movie=episode5

    (anybody notice that Yoda seems to talk more clearly in the prequel trilogy?)
    or for the utmost obscurity….

    echo comment | /usr/sbin/yoda-ize –movie=episode5 –drinking=heavy

    We could make this a standard Unix utility. :)

  10. I have been getting some great comment spam lately where I swear it was written in Russian, ran through Google translator and then they took a thesaurus to any word more than 3 characters. Usually you have a good idea of what they meant to say, but the whole random-thesaurus-words push them over the top.

    Here is one short example: “…Any way I’ll be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently fast.” LOL

    Robert, I think your Yoda script could utilize the Google translate and then thesaurus process. Just a suggestion. :)

  11. Julie

    I know a few kids who will be unable to blog comment in 20 years because their parents have truly given them names like Propecia. I wish I were kidding.

    For their sake, I hope we progress to a point where they can participate (or that they all start insisting on being called ‘Katie’ or something when they hit a certain age).

  12. Laura

    Only 10?

    As one who handles blog comments daily, I can so completely empathize with you on this! I’m grinning behind the tears…

    I kid you not – I just deleted a well-intended comment that was so poorly written as to be nearly incomprehensible. “Understand, did I not it.”

    Yoda script would’ve been an improvement ;-)

    Thanks Ian. I always enjoy your wicked humor, and this was especially yummy!

    • Understand your comment I did. Sympathize I do.

      A guideline there is, understand it they must. If reply to the comments you do, intelligible you must be. Or else delete them the blogger will, yes!

  13. Josh

    Great Post!

    :-) :-)

  14. Dave

    I’ll give you that I wasnt REALLY named “buy levitra” but dont make the assumption my parents werent THAT cruel ;-)

    Seriously – love the blog. Thanks for all the insight!

  15. Damn, Martin beat me to it. ;-)

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