Quotes that make me cry inside
Ian Lurie Aug 5 2011
It’s Friday. I’m tired. Here are some quotes. All of which are true, but edited to protect the utterers:
- “We don’t need marketing. Our product is great.” I’d punch you, but I’m paralyzed by the stupid.
- “We need to test that, first.” No, you don’t. You don’t have to test whether having a ‘buy now’ button makes people buy more stuff.
- “SEO is a fraud. Everyone knows you just buy PPC, and you’ll rank higher.” Yup. You cracked the code. Google pulverized Yahoo!, Microsoft and everyone else with that magical formula. You’re a genius.
- “I can’t order the development team to do anything. I’m just the CEO.” Did Obi-Wan do a mind trick on you? Or were there monkeys? Terrifying space monkeys?
- “Semantic SEO means putting more keywords on the home page.” Oh. God. I’m in the presence of genius.
- “You can change anything you want. Just don’t change anything.” To be fair, the speaker then blinked, and we both laughed. But it was tinged with hysteria.
- “We found a firm that’ll do it for $1500.” ‘It’ was a complete site redesign and shopping cart rebuild. ‘It’ never got done. ‘They’ didn’t learn anything from the experience.
- “SEO? Oh, we’re set. We’ve got links in the footer.” OK. You won’t mind if I put my footer someplace tender, right? Said in 2009, not 1999, by the way.
- “If we need organic traffic, we’ll call Google.” My jaw broke when it hit the floor.
- “Website leads are a distraction.” So’s oxygen. Please stop breathing.
- “Should I translate my site into Belorussian?” Not unless you’re setting up a store in Eastern Europe, no.
- “$250 for an article? That’s way too expensive.” My bad. I thought you wanted stuff people could read. You probably want our Babbling Idiot Content Plan…
- “Why aren’t my rankings improving? I’m paying you, aren’t I?!” Yes, you’re right. Paying me is what matters. Not actually following my recommendations. Once you pay me, good rankings magically emerge from my left nostril.
- “We aren’t getting any traffic! We need a mobile app!” I’m not losing weight! I need red paint!
- “I just don’t think your work made a difference.” I understand. You hired us. The next day, your paid search cost-per-sale dropped 35%. Your ROI rose 50%. It must’ve been the marketing elves.
- “We needed a firm with more years of SEO experience.” So, if I were Chuck Norris, you’d pass me up for someone with a better roundhouse kick?
- “I need a white hat SEO firm that can buy me some links…” And I need a Democrat who can get to the point. We’re both dreamers.
- “We’ll submit your RSS feed to our content network, getting you lots of links!” Just got this in my inbox a few minutes ago. I gotta go get my credit card…
Have a good weekend everyone.
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Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent Inc. He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Forbes.com and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, SIC and ad:Tech. Follow him on Twitter at portentint. He also just published a book about strategy for services businesses: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle. Read More