Quotes that make me cry inside

Quotation Marks Featured

Ian Lurie Aug 5 2011

It’s Friday. I’m tired. Here are some quotes. All of which are true, but edited to protect the utterers:

  1. “We don’t need marketing. Our product is great.” I’d punch you, but I’m paralyzed by the stupid.
  2. “We need to test that, first.” No, you don’t. You don’t have to test whether having a ‘buy now’ button makes people buy more stuff.
  3. SEO is a fraud. Everyone knows you just buy PPC, and you’ll rank higher.” Yup. You cracked the code. Google pulverized Yahoo!, Microsoft and everyone else with that magical formula. You’re a genius.
  4. “I can’t order the development team to do anything. I’m just the CEO.” Did Obi-Wan do a mind trick on you? Or were there monkeys? Terrifying space monkeys?
  5. “Semantic SEO means putting more keywords on the home page.” Oh. God. I’m in the presence of genius.
  6. “You can change anything you want. Just don’t change anything.” To be fair, the speaker then blinked, and we both laughed. But it was tinged with hysteria.
  7. “We found a firm that’ll do it for $1500.” ‘It’ was a complete site redesign and shopping cart rebuild. ‘It’ never got done. ‘They’ didn’t learn anything from the experience.
  8. SEO? Oh, we’re set. We’ve got links in the footer.” OK. You won’t mind if I put my footer someplace tender, right? Said in 2009, not 1999, by the way.
  9. “If we need organic traffic, we’ll call Google.” My jaw broke when it hit the floor.
  10. “Website leads are a distraction.” So’s oxygen. Please stop breathing.
  11. “Should I translate my site into Belorussian?” Not unless you’re setting up a store in Eastern Europe, no.
  12. “$250 for an article? That’s way too expensive.” My bad. I thought you wanted stuff people could read. You probably want our Babbling Idiot Content Plan…
  13. “Why aren’t my rankings improving? I’m paying you, aren’t I?!” Yes, you’re right. Paying me is what matters. Not actually following my recommendations. Once you pay me, good rankings magically emerge from my left nostril.
  14. “We aren’t getting any traffic! We need a mobile app!” I’m not losing weight! I need red paint!
  15. “I just don’t think your work made a difference.” I understand. You hired us. The next day, your paid search cost-per-sale dropped 35%. Your ROI rose 50%. It must’ve been the marketing elves.
  16. “We needed a firm with more years of SEO experience.” So, if I were Chuck Norris, you’d pass me up for someone with a better roundhouse kick?
  17. “I need a white hat SEO firm that can buy me some links…” And I need a Democrat who can get to the point. We’re both dreamers.
  18. “We’ll submit your RSS feed to our content network, getting you lots of links!” Just got this in my inbox a few minutes ago. I gotta go get my credit card…

Have a good weekend everyone.

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tags : conversation marketing

15 Comments

  1. Hey Ian – I love these. Here’s one:
    Client: “We do need all 12 fields of information in our form to know they’re really serious.”
    Me: Yep. While we’re at it, let’s add “Maiden Name”, “Name of First Pet”, and “If you were a flower, what kind would you be?”.

  2. Ha! These are awesome.
    #19. “Our new CMS has SEO built-in, so we don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

  3. I’m laughing so hard I can barely speak!
    Sharing a quote, true story, to add to the list
    “IT doesn’t want to implement the redirects right now. They said to get back to them in 6 months.” I’ll leave the response up to your imagination…

  4. Micah

    Funny how the majority of people have no concept of reality…
    #14 cracked me up lol

  5. Matt

    I really liked: “I’d punch you, but I’m paralyzed by the stupid.” and nice work with finding a way to include Chuck!

  6. Awesome post!!!
    I’m seriouslygetting a shirt made that reads:
    I’m not losing weight! I need red paint!

  7. “I think we need to refresh the text in our Google ads…….. So where do these ads show up anyway?”. Uh, if you can’t figure that out, I am not going to tell you. Maybe its just better if I handle the “technical” stuff from here on out.

  8. I started out laughing, but then realized it isn’t so funny when you’ve actually encountered most of these in the normal course of your work!
    When you find that credit card, can you sign up for me too? ;)
    Have a great weekend!

  9. All your comments are on Google+. That’s just not right.
    Loved the list. It rings so true.

  10. I’m laughing so hard I can barely speak!
    Sharing a quote, true story, to add to the list
    “IT doesn’t want to implement the redirects right now. They said to get back to them in 6 months.” I’ll leave the response up to your imagination…

  11. Ian

    @Angie And don’t forget, that usually means they have ‘search friendly URLs’. What more could you ask for?

  12. These are so funny. I burst out laughing when I read number 2. Number 14…awesome. Good stuff.

  13. Lovely!
    Here is one of my favourite quotes:
    “We don’t need any SEO, we never got any client through our website.”

  14. Ian,
    I was always speechless when confronted with #13 – I’m paying you, so why I am not #1 for all keywords? Now I have an answer!! I often was very tempted to substitute “nostril” for something different, but your response is perfect. Thank you for the ideas. LOL.

  15. OMG I am laughing so hard. Thanks, Ian! I feel the frustration!

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