9 stupid things a CMO did today
Ian Lurie Jul 21 2010
Chief Marketing Officers have an average tenure of about 6 months. In corporate terms, that’s somewhere between the duration of gnat’s belch and the time it takes my son to eat a slice of pizza. So they live under a lot of stress, and they’re constantly pushed to turn around flagging campaigns in days or weeks. It makes them do some, er, quirky things. For example, they will:
- Spend a lot on PPC marketing, but ignore SEO. Never mind that they can get 8x more traffic from search engine optimization.
- Spam the customers. Why send e-mail to 1,000 opt-ins if you can send to 1,000,000 opt-outs? Back in marketing school in, oh, 1989, they told us direct mail works. People are used to it. They won’t mind…
- Ignore analytics. The IT department says we can only get our analytics reports once a month. Oh well…
- Treat social media like direct marketing. Connect with 2,345,543 of their closest friends, then send them updates every 10 minutes reminding them they can still get 10% off.
- Get defensive. Go ahead, snap at that disgruntled customer on Facebook. It worked for Nestle, right?
- Thumb their nose at Google. Yeah, we’re offering people free nachos in exchange for a link. What’re you gonna do about it, Google? Huh? Wait, what happened to our visitors…
- Treat their customers like they’re dumb. They’re not. They’re rushed, tired, hassled, suspicious, but not dumb.
- Ignore content. Writers are too damned expensive. They want, like $18/hour!!! That’s almost as much as a janitor! Greedy bastards. We can just copy stuff and outsource the rewrites for $.05 a page. Our customers won’t notice, ’cause they’re dumb. See #7.
- Think they’re above doing real marketing work. You want me to help you with a copywriting project? No can do. I’m busy strategizing, synergizing and printing my resume. I’ve been here almost 5 months, you know…
Yeah, this list is going to get me fired somewhere. But I can’t help it. The love just bubbles up.
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Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent Inc. He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Forbes.com and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, SIC and ad:Tech. Follow him on Twitter at portentint. He also just published a book about strategy for services businesses: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle. Read More