Your Internet Marketing Campaign is Screwed When…

Ian Lurie Feb 19 2009

You know your internet marketing campaign is screwed when:

  • Your boss refers to the campaign as “a learning experience”.
  • You get fewer visitors than you have percentage points in your bounce rate.
  • Your team looks at you blankly when you say “SEO Copywriting“.
  • You don’t have any analytics tools in place. Just give up.
  • You’re proud of the fact that you grabbed the top organic search position for your own brand name.
  • You think quality score is something given to meat.
  • Frank, the developer down the hall who’s doing your project in between his other priorities, says “Oh, THAT PROJECT” when you check on his progress.
  • You get 15% clickthrough on your PPC ads, and a 10% bounce rate, but you don’t sell anything.
  • Your boss/client keeps forwarding you blogs posts they found from 1999 about SEO and the keywords META tag.
  • “Budget? Oh, we have enough to run for about 3-4 weeks. We have to get a positive ROI by then.”
  • You suddenly understand what makes some folks flee the country.
  • You lie to your family and tell them you’re helping sell diet supplements.
  • A single conversion is cause for celebration.
  • No one at your company knows what a customer is worth.
  • No one at your company likes your customers.
  • No one at your company likes anyone else at your company.
  • You haven’t launched a landing page after 2 weeks, because the art department keeps moving the logo around.
  • The CEO keeps going in and tweaking your Adwords campaign (I’m a CEO. I do this. I’m a horrible person.).
  • Your super-secure login for your e-commerce system is ‘password’.
  • 24 hours after you launch the campaign, your boss is asking you how it’s doing. I’m not talking about a landing page, people. I’m talking about the entire campaign.
  • You’re rereading Atlas Shrugged.
  • You’ve realized this was not a good time to go on a diet.
  • You’re burning through your prescription at twice the normal rate.
  • Someone uses the word ‘synergy’ in a status meeting more than 3 times.
  • You’re spending more time reporting statistics than you are testing new headlines.
  • You haven’t tested any new headlines.
  • You haven’t tested anything.
  • You’ve nodded at every single one of these.



tags : conversation marketing


  1. Mack


    How about: “your boss starts writing up a series of ‘your internet marketing campaign is screwed when…’ jokes”

  2. Ian


    @Mack Ouuuuccchhhh….

  3. Sounds just like any Australian government department, regardless of who’s party is in charge – but no one loses their income no matter what sort of screw ups they make.

  4. diane


    Yipes. I didn’t nod at all of them. Just most of them. Well, OK, at least half of them. (Which is why I’m not linking to the URL of the site I work on [she said nervously].)

  5. I’ve had to suffer through number of these. Especially, the one about “Frank.”

  6. dANA


    That’s what she said!
    I nodded at a few. What’s worse yet: A CPC over $4 and a CTR of 0.00000000000006211%.
    Don’t let your VP control your PPC campaigns. I’m planning my takeover now.

  7. The Meta tags one is probably the worst – anyone who doesn’t know about SEO always goes on about them!

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