10 April Fools I thought of doing, then gave up

Ian Lurie

I realized at about 1 AM that I’m so routinely full of crap that there was pretty much no way anyone would believe any April Fools joke I tried. I did have a lot of ideas, though:

  1. Redirect my site to someone like The Internet Shark, because I’m such an admirer. He, after all, does have The System That Makes Bank On Google.
  2. Announce that I’m quitting Portent Interactive and Conversation Marketing to become a cat farmer. I decided that was too believable, and tabled it.
  3. Send out a press release announcing we’d been acquired by Ogilvy. But I got a B- in law school, and Ogilvy undoubtedly has the attorneys who got A’s, so I ruled that one out.
  4. Tell the world I’m the first male pregnancy in history, and that I had to be hospitalized for 9 months. Too outlandish.
  5. Let you know that I’ve been given a huge book contract to write a work of fiction about the internet marketing industry titled “Bonfire of Insanity”. Also too outlandish.
  6. Announce that I had cracked the Yahoo! code, and could now make thousands overnight using a secret formula.
  7. Inform my loyal readers that my blog was being acquired by the Huffington Post.
  8. Change my political affiliation to Republican. Also too outlandish. My family would probably have me committed – no one as sarcastic as me can be a Republican.
  9. Tell everyone I won a Fisker Karma in a raffle. God, I wish.
  10. Cry triumphantly that Target actually did some SEO on their site, because their IT department realized how important it is to the company’s well-being, and because their CMO realized that a 5% increase in online revenue more than paid for the five hours’ work required to make basic changes to the site.

That was when I realized I was too sleep-deprived, gave up, and went to sleep.

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Ian Lurie
CEO & Founder

Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent and the EVP of Marketing Services at Clearlink. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Follow him on Twitter at portentint, and on LinkedIn at LinkedIn.com/in/ianlurie.

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  1. I kid you not, but a month or so ago I was visiting Target’s website and saw how bad it was in SEO and I thought…
    “I’ll ask target if they allow me to make a few changes to their website and give me 1% of delta in revenue… Then I hire Ian to do the work and I’d be rich!”

  2. I tried becoming a cat farmer once, but I couldn’t get the little buggers to stay in the ground, particularly when I watered them.

  3. I totally would have believed number 9. I’m super gullible when it comes to April 1st. I even know that you have a not so secret obsession for the Fisker.
    I have a friend who calls in sick every April 1st because he hates it so much. I’m not joking.
    I loved the copyblogger “Fear and Loathing at SXSW”. I highly suggest reading it…
    Thanks Ian for everything!

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