17 Internet Marketing Things I Will Not Write About

Ian Lurie

That means no!

Brought to you by the same manic-depressiveness that generated 11 Internet Marketing Trends To Ignore. Here are 17 internet marketing things I will not write about:

  1. Twitter. I love Twitter, and spend a fair amount of time on it. But a quick search on Google shows 37,845 blogs posts in the last week. What. The. Hell. I think this story’s been done, OK?
  2. Facebook’s slow fall from grace as an advertising platform. I already wrote about this a while ago. Before most other folks. So nyah nyah. I don’t need to write about it any more.
  3. What Jason Calcanis said about SEO at a conference. I’m just not all that interested.
  4. What Steve Rubel said about internet marketing, SEOs or social media. I’m over it.
  5. Rand’s latest brilliance. Rand, give me a break. You’ve got all these brilliant people over at SEOMOZ, you crank out top-quality Digg-bait like it’s going out of style and you’re a better dresser than I am. You don’t need more press. Unless you mention me. In which case it’s cool, and I’ll write about you.
  6. Really stupid ideas, like this book about Why Mom’s Having Plastic Surgery. This book literally talks about why a little girl’s mommy is getting a nosejob and a tummy tuck. It’s because mommy is deluged with ads that tell her she’s ugly on the one hand, and encourage her to eat McDonald’s on the other, sweetie. Don’t worry, you’ll get there soon too.
  7. The traffic to my blog. Because it sucks.
  8. All the subscribers I have. Because I don’t have that many.
  9. All the money I make blogging. Because I make about $1.50 a day. I’m no John Chow, that’s for sure.
  10. The Presidential campaign. Because it’s starting to make me a little queasy.
  11. How I tricked Google, Yahoo or some other search engine. The Greeks called that hubris, which is followed by ate. Ate occurs when the gods crush you like the bug that you are.
  12. My bookmarks. They aren’t that exciting (OK, if I’m realllly hard up for a blog post one day, I’ll probably write about them. Then you’ll believe me).
  13. My adventures at the latest conference. I don’t go to the latest conference. My parents live on the East coast of the US. I live on the West. I fly back-and-forth with the grandkids at least 4-5x a year. So I don’t get out much for other stuff. I swear, when I go to a conference, I’ll write about it.
  14. How I’ve changed my life so I work 20 hours a week and earn twice as much. Apparently, I’m not that clever.
  15. Web 2.0. Just typing that made my stomach shrink to 1/3 size, flip over three times, and then try to eject itself out my left nostril. There never was a web 2.0. Nor will there ever be.
  16. Marketing 2.0. I’ll just slap you instead.
  17. What a bunch of other bloggers said about what another blogger wrote about what another blogger said after reading the story on CNN that was based on the blog post the day before. No pre-chewed content for you (see below).

You have no idea how disgusting this is

Phew. I feel so much better now. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Ian Lurie

Ian Lurie is founder of Portent. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). Ian's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Ian is now an independent consultant and continues to work with the Portent team- training the agency group on all things digital. You can find him at www.ianlurie.com

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  1. I have read anything this funny, in a darn long time! Absolutely brilliant and I must confess there are a few on there that I will write about LOL
    Great post!
    Maria Reyes-McDavis

  2. HAH. I did it only FOUR years.
    I did some quick math. At $1.50/day, I’m earning almost $550/year.
    Assuming I put in about 750 hours/year, I earn a luxurious $.73 per hour. Woooo….

  3. @Josef @Diva Thanks. I’m only learning to tap my inner psycho just now, at 39 years old. Hopefully I can do more.

  4. So, you’re sick of the buzz words, overused cliches, stuff that is totally unoriginal. Fair call…
    but honestly, the way the world and ideas are connected now, how do you have a really great original idea? Seriously, tell me if you know… because it seems to be there’s only a few really origianl source texts out there, and everyone else is just adding their spin and contextualising the principals for their industry.
    I’ll have to keep reading to see what you will write about 🙂

  5. I can’t remember who said it, but someone once wrote there are only 7 original stories.
    I’ve never had a truly original idea. Best I can hope for is rearranging someone else’s stuff in a unique way.

  6. brilliant post.
    this is a good read. wish more bloggers would write about this. no, that’s not a good idea. this is one of those gems you won’t see again. best left that way. hmmm, in fact, i suspect we’ll see a lot of anti-twitter posts now.

  7. Congratulations on coming in #2 in the Semmy’s!
    I originally found you at the “Vote for the Best ‘Make Money Online’ site” site: http://deanhunt.com/make-money-online/
    which I found because I dearly love and follow Andrew Lock’s “Help My Business Sucks” video series http://helpmybusiness.com/ and can’t resist reading things that catch my eye … LOL
    Thank You Very Much for not writing more about the T-word – the thought of reading hundreds of tiny bits of info about gods-only-knows-what throughout the day makes my head hurt! And trying to wedge in actually *writing* them is even worse!
    Have a great almost-summer-weekend – I

  8. I definately love the content, i just recently began blogging and I feel for you long time bloggers, twitter has been such the annoying “Top story” you keep hearing about, i wish America would get the memo “STOP TWITTERING”

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