March 12, 2010, Seattle, WA – Ian Lurie, CEO of Portent Interactive B-list SEO geek, has catapulted himself into the limelight by suing every business using words that contain ‘ian’.
The lawyer-turned-marketer wants all businesses using words containing ‘ian’ to request permission, first. According to documents leaked to the media, Ian’s lawsuit claims he’s had his reputation unfairly smeared by publications such as Wikipedia:
Law scholar Febrile Ezureis stated this suit could have far-reaching implications. “Never mind the Lindsay Lohan suit against E-Trade. This could mean marketing copywriters everywhere will have to buy a thesaurus. Imagine if you can’t use the word ‘allegiant’ in any of your marking copy? Ian could be about to change the English language, forever. The implications are brilliant. Oh, dammit, now he’s going to sue me.” Febrile went on, “And zoos! Don’t get me started. ‘Avian’. ‘Amphibian’.”
Comedian Eddie Murphy is also concerned. “That @#$)(*@#$ son of a @#)(*@#$ better not go through with it. I’m not renaming my self a ‘funny man’. I’ll kick his @#)($* @#[email protected]#$.”
Indeed, this could be the beginning of a utopian period for attorneys, who can look forward to suing anyone who uses any name in a word.
Ian justifies his stance. “Every time someone uses the word ‘vaudevillian’, they connect me with stuff that’s ridiculous and silly. I’m sick of it. Plus, this is a great income stream.”
He then handed us a summons to appear in court for several uses of ‘ian’ in this article.
I’d like to thank Lindsay Lohan and her moronic attorneys for inspiring this idea. And a shoutout to Todd Mintz.