I couldn’t resist. Everyone else is on the bandwagon, so why not me?
If Google were in charge of the Rapture scheduled for Saturday, 5/21:
- It’d be in beta for the next 4 years;
- They’d check your e-mail messages to see if you were eligible;
- Famous people would get to the head of the line, but Google would argue it’s just a natural outcome of the algorithm;
- Matt Cutts would fly overhead, explaining why the rest of us are stuck in the lava (sorry, Matt, couldn’t resist);
- 40% of SEOs would write “I’m righteous” all over themselves, hoping to be chosen;
- 30% of SEOs would hire 10,000 people on Mechanical Turk to pray for them;
- 20% of SEOs would hire someone who looks just like them but actually fits the definition of a deserving rapturee. Then, at just the right moment, they’d leap in front of their double and get sucked up to Heaven;
- 10% of SEOs would write “10 ways to be enraptured” blog posts;
- Halfway through the day, 1/2 the people in Heaven would be dumped back to earth, and a bunch of other souls would ascend in an ‘algorithm adjustment’; and
- Me and about 10 other SEOs would be mysteriously mauled to death by angry honey badgers;
- Saying “I feel lucky” would be a TERRIBLE IDEA.
I’m not going anyway, being a Heeb. By the way, can I have your web site when you’re gone…?