If Google were in charge of the 5/21 Rapture

Ian Lurie

I couldn’t resist. Everyone else is on the bandwagon, so why not me?
If Google were in charge of the Rapture scheduled for Saturday, 5/21:

  1. It’d be in beta for the next 4 years;
  2. They’d check your e-mail messages to see if you were eligible;
  3. Famous people would get to the head of the line, but Google would argue it’s just a natural outcome of the algorithm;
  4. Matt Cutts would fly overhead, explaining why the rest of us are stuck in the lava (sorry, Matt, couldn’t resist);
  5. 40% of SEOs would write “I’m righteous” all over themselves, hoping to be chosen;
  6. 30% of SEOs would hire 10,000 people on Mechanical Turk to pray for them;
  7. 20% of SEOs would hire someone who looks just like them but actually fits the definition of a deserving rapturee. Then, at just the right moment, they’d leap in front of their double and get sucked up to Heaven;
  8. 10% of SEOs would write “10 ways to be enraptured” blog posts;
  9. Halfway through the day, 1/2 the people in Heaven would be dumped back to earth, and a bunch of other souls would ascend in an ‘algorithm adjustment’; and
  10. Me and about 10 other SEOs would be mysteriously mauled to death by angry honey badgers;
  11. Saying “I feel lucky” would be a TERRIBLE IDEA.

I’m not going anyway, being a Heeb. By the way, can I have your web site when you’re gone…?

Ian Lurie

Ian Lurie is the founder of Portent. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). Ian's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Ian is now an independent consultant and continues to work with the Portent team- training the agency group on all things digital. You can find him at www.ianlurie.com

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  1. You forgot the part where Apple sues Google, claiming that GRapture technology infringes on twenty or more of Apple’s patents.
    Apple would then make a pre-release announcement for iRapture, and their loyal fans will be seen the world over telling the angels “no thanks” because the Apple iRapture “will be better” than the Google equivalent – even though it will only be available for AT&T customers.
    Sometime shortly thereafter, Microsoft would reveal their True Selves and unveil Hell 1.0.

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