If Google were in charge of the 5/21 Rapture

Ian Lurie May 20 2011

I couldn’t resist. Everyone else is on the bandwagon, so why not me?
If Google were in charge of the Rapture scheduled for Saturday, 5/21:

  1. It’d be in beta for the next 4 years;
  2. They’d check your e-mail messages to see if you were eligible;
  3. Famous people would get to the head of the line, but Google would argue it’s just a natural outcome of the algorithm;
  4. Matt Cutts would fly overhead, explaining why the rest of us are stuck in the lava (sorry, Matt, couldn’t resist);
  5. 40% of SEOs would write “I’m righteous” all over themselves, hoping to be chosen;
  6. 30% of SEOs would hire 10,000 people on Mechanical Turk to pray for them;
  7. 20% of SEOs would hire someone who looks just like them but actually fits the definition of a deserving rapturee. Then, at just the right moment, they’d leap in front of their double and get sucked up to Heaven;
  8. 10% of SEOs would write “10 ways to be enraptured” blog posts;
  9. Halfway through the day, 1/2 the people in Heaven would be dumped back to earth, and a bunch of other souls would ascend in an ‘algorithm adjustment’; and
  10. Me and about 10 other SEOs would be mysteriously mauled to death by angry honey badgers;
  11. Saying “I feel lucky” would be a TERRIBLE IDEA.

I’m not going anyway, being a Heeb. By the way, can I have your web site when you’re gone…?

tags : conversation marketing


  1. You forgot the part where Apple sues Google, claiming that GRapture technology infringes on twenty or more of Apple’s patents.
    Apple would then make a pre-release announcement for iRapture, and their loyal fans will be seen the world over telling the angels “no thanks” because the Apple iRapture “will be better” than the Google equivalent – even though it will only be available for AT&T customers.
    Sometime shortly thereafter, Microsoft would reveal their True Selves and unveil Hell 1.0.

  2. Lois


    #4 – LOL Robert!

  3. And if Klout were in charge of Rapture some percentage of our Klout scores would just disappear. What a minute… that just happened… :)

  4. Chris


    #3 – So true!
    Looks like someone got their dates wrong again… LOL!

  5. Vance


    I guess my backlink to Heaven was broken and didn’t notice until after rapture.

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