If Google were in charge of the 5/21 Rapture
Ian Lurie May 20 2011
I couldn’t resist. Everyone else is on the bandwagon, so why not me?
If Google were in charge of the Rapture scheduled for Saturday, 5/21:
- It’d be in beta for the next 4 years;
- They’d check your e-mail messages to see if you were eligible;
- Famous people would get to the head of the line, but Google would argue it’s just a natural outcome of the algorithm;
- Matt Cutts would fly overhead, explaining why the rest of us are stuck in the lava (sorry, Matt, couldn’t resist);
- 40% of SEOs would write “I’m righteous” all over themselves, hoping to be chosen;
- 30% of SEOs would hire 10,000 people on Mechanical Turk to pray for them;
- 20% of SEOs would hire someone who looks just like them but actually fits the definition of a deserving rapturee. Then, at just the right moment, they’d leap in front of their double and get sucked up to Heaven;
- 10% of SEOs would write “10 ways to be enraptured” blog posts;
- Halfway through the day, 1/2 the people in Heaven would be dumped back to earth, and a bunch of other souls would ascend in an ‘algorithm adjustment’; and
- Me and about 10 other SEOs would be mysteriously mauled to death by angry honey badgers;
- Saying “I feel lucky” would be a TERRIBLE IDEA.
I’m not going anyway, being a Heeb. By the way, can I have your web site when you’re gone…?
Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent Inc. He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Forbes.com and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, SIC and ad:Tech. Follow him on Twitter at portentint. He also just published a book about strategy for services businesses: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle. Read More