How To: Write a Really Crappy Business Blog

Ian Lurie

There are sooo many awful business blogs out there, I figure folks must really want to create them. So, in 13 easy steps, here’s how you write a terrible business blog, torpedo your internet marketing strategy, and gain the scorn of your customer base at the same time:

  1. Talk about yourself. Ooooh, this is a winner every time. Blather on about your latest product, how great you are, why readers should buy your stuff. Link to your own site a lot. Bore the heck out of ’em. I guarantee blog suckage within a week.
    death-by-internet-marketing.jpg
  2. Go negative. Tell everyone why your competitor/fellow bloggers are total idiots. Don’t be funny about it! People might misunderstand and think you’re starting a debate! Make sure they know You Are Smart and They Are Dumb. You’ll shed readers like Gore Tex sheds water.
  3. Plagiarize. Cut-and-paste from other sites! It’s so easy! Best part is that when you get caught (and you will) you’ll be disgraced, and no one will ever darken your virtual door again.
  4. Use lots of small, unreadable type. Tiny type gives everyone a headache. No one wants a headache. So they’ll leave.
  5. Spam the world. Send out unsolicited e-mails begging for links, clicks, attention and such. Use really bad grammar, too. The recipients will never come back. You’re now that much closer to crapdom.
  6. Use unreadable colors. Put gray text on a dark gray background. Your readers’ eyes will cross so fast they’ll switch sockets. Once their vision is permanently damaged, they’ll have to stop reading. Craptacular.
  7. Create really unclear links. Make folks think they’re going to get something useful when they click, but send them to the page for the worst-selling product you have. Not only will your blog suck, your sales will too! Bonus!
  8. Write badly. Remember, you can’t build a crappy blog with good grammar and complete sentences. Insted use lots of misspelings and stuff. If you look too smart you’ll attract readers, which are the anti-crap.
    dumbass.jpg
  9. Write too much. Verbal diarrhea will drive away your audience. The stench alone can kill.
  10. Digg every post you write. Yah, no one’s every thought of that one. Go for it.
  11. Stumble every post you write. See above.
  12. Never post anything. The easiest way to have a blog that’s crappy: Set up the blog, post once, and then never. post. again. This tip’s great because it involves no work on your part. It’s like you never created a blog at all. Which might have been better…
    the-slow-blog.jpg
  13. Don’t care. Whatever you do, don’t care about what you write. If your audience detects sincerity they’ll stick around, and you’ll have to keep writing. Ugh.

Update – Some great additions by LucyNixon via Twitter: Write lots of posts apologizing for not posting (weee!). Make sure your site breaks in Firefox. And use lots of ads that load really sloowwwwwllly.
Remember: Some of us are struggling to write decent business blogs. We don’t need the competition. So please, keep writing your crappy one.

Ian Lurie
CEO & Founder

Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent and the EVP of Marketing Services at Clearlink. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Follow him on Twitter at portentint, and on LinkedIn at LinkedIn.com/in/ianlurie.

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Comments

  1. Haha! Love it!
    Let’s see if I can add a few:
    #14 Link to nothing. I like reading blogs to learn something new and to find resources. It’s great that your blog is full of witty one-liners, but I can find that anywhere. Introduce me to something I need.
    #15 Link to everything. Conversely (Inversely? Reversely?), don’t stuff your post with too many links. I want to be able to read it, not chase links all day.
    #16 Let the company tell you want to blog about. Nothing’s more enjoyable that somebody writing about something they’re not excited to write about.

  2. Here’s another one:
    Write how to write bad, because your writings are so crappy that you can’t write how to write good.
    If that makes sense.

  3. Very nice post.Especially blogs with only scraped content stolen from other blogs and packed with adsense ads are highly popular 🙂
    [Dugg & Stumbled]
    -Tom

  4. ahahahahahaha, I LOVE it! Great post!
    I’d like to add two others to your list…
    – Have tons of those stupid and annoying flashing banners everywhere – no need to write artilces if you fill up your post area with them.
    – Go out and find a great product to sell, spend lots of quality time writing articles to post and then have Google Ads plastered all over the place so it looks like you’re endorsing your competitors products – BRILLIANT!
    Keep up the good work!

  5. I am presently writing for two businesses, and stumbled upon this article as I was racking my brain and looking for ideas as I am finding trouble with ideas for one of my businesses. By suggestion 6 I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes!

  6. Thanks for your hilarious take on blogging.
    I’m sure many of us might think, oops, I’ve done that. So thanks for pointing out some things, that might hit home.
    Keep it up and more people will get it.

  7. I don’t know If I said it already but …This blog rocks! I gotta say, that I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks, 🙂
    A definite great read….

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