If I Were Evil…

Ian Lurie

I figured since it’s April 1, there’s no chance of a substantive post being heard through the thousands of comedic wannabes. So I went with stream of consciousness instead.

  1. I’d buy a lot more links. Really, I should. It seems to work anyway.
  2. I’d own a lot more internet access accounts, so I could spam StumbleUpon, Digg and other social networks.
  3. You wouldn’t be reading this blog. ‘Cause I sure wouldn’t want to tell anyone what I know. Luckily my need for attention outweighs my evil tendencies.
  4. I’d be rich.
  5. My guinea pigs would be far more nervous. They look tasty.
  6. I’d be an avid plagiarist.
  7. I would offer a $99 Rank Number One On Google Guaranteed package. Sign here, please.
  8. I would tell clients what they want to hear.
  9. I would write movies like Manos, the Hands of Fate, and then make my kids watch them. Mwahahahahahahaha…
  10. I’d hire 40,000 people abroad to click the PPC ads on this site. C’mon, guys, I make $2 a day. Are you kidding me?
  11. I sooo would’ve slapped that guy who said “All you can do is write“.
  12. I’d be less whiny.
  13. I’d correct everyone’s grammar. Oh, wait…
Ian Lurie
CEO & Founder

Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent and the EVP of Marketing Services at Clearlink. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Follow him on Twitter at portentint, and on LinkedIn at LinkedIn.com/in/ianlurie.

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  1. The people who scare me are those who proclaim that they are definitely not evil.
    I can’t put my finger on it, but for some reason this post reminds me of that book O.J. wrote…
    We’re watching you, Lurie.

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