Quotes that make me cry inside

Ian Lurie

It’s Friday. I’m tired. Here are some quotes. All of which are true, but edited to protect the utterers:

  1. “We don’t need marketing. Our product is great.” I’d punch you, but I’m paralyzed by the stupid.
  2. “We need to test that, first.” No, you don’t. You don’t have to test whether having a ‘buy now’ button makes people buy more stuff.
  3. SEO is a fraud. Everyone knows you just buy PPC, and you’ll rank higher.” Yup. You cracked the code. Google pulverized Yahoo!, Microsoft and everyone else with that magical formula. You’re a genius.
  4. “I can’t order the development team to do anything. I’m just the CEO.” Did Obi-Wan do a mind trick on you? Or were there monkeys? Terrifying space monkeys?
  5. “Semantic SEO means putting more keywords on the home page.” Oh. God. I’m in the presence of genius.
  6. “You can change anything you want. Just don’t change anything.” To be fair, the speaker then blinked, and we both laughed. But it was tinged with hysteria.
  7. “We found a firm that’ll do it for $1500.” ‘It’ was a complete site redesign and shopping cart rebuild. ‘It’ never got done. ‘They’ didn’t learn anything from the experience.
  8. SEO? Oh, we’re set. We’ve got links in the footer.” OK. You won’t mind if I put my footer someplace tender, right? Said in 2009, not 1999, by the way.
  9. “If we need organic traffic, we’ll call Google.” My jaw broke when it hit the floor.
  10. “Website leads are a distraction.” So’s oxygen. Please stop breathing.
  11. “Should I translate my site into Belorussian?” Not unless you’re setting up a store in Eastern Europe, no.
  12. “$250 for an article? That’s way too expensive.” My bad. I thought you wanted stuff people could read. You probably want our Babbling Idiot Content Plan…
  13. “Why aren’t my rankings improving? I’m paying you, aren’t I?!” Yes, you’re right. Paying me is what matters. Not actually following my recommendations. Once you pay me, good rankings magically emerge from my left nostril.
  14. “We aren’t getting any traffic! We need a mobile app!” I’m not losing weight! I need red paint!
  15. “I just don’t think your work made a difference.” I understand. You hired us. The next day, your paid search cost-per-sale dropped 35%. Your ROI rose 50%. It must’ve been the marketing elves.
  16. “We needed a firm with more years of SEO experience.” So, if I were Chuck Norris, you’d pass me up for someone with a better roundhouse kick?
  17. “I need a white hat SEO firm that can buy me some links…” And I need a Democrat who can get to the point. We’re both dreamers.
  18. “We’ll submit your RSS feed to our content network, getting you lots of links!” Just got this in my inbox a few minutes ago. I gotta go get my credit card…

Have a good weekend everyone.

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Ian Lurie

Ian Lurie is the founder of Portent. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). Ian's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Ian is now an independent consultant and continues to work with the Portent team- training the agency group on all things digital. You can find him at www.ianlurie.com

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  1. Hey Ian – I love these. Here’s one:
    Client: “We do need all 12 fields of information in our form to know they’re really serious.”
    Me: Yep. While we’re at it, let’s add “Maiden Name”, “Name of First Pet”, and “If you were a flower, what kind would you be?”.

  2. I’m laughing so hard I can barely speak!
    Sharing a quote, true story, to add to the list
    “IT doesn’t want to implement the redirects right now. They said to get back to them in 6 months.” I’ll leave the response up to your imagination…

  3. I really liked: “I’d punch you, but I’m paralyzed by the stupid.” and nice work with finding a way to include Chuck!

  4. “I think we need to refresh the text in our Google ads…….. So where do these ads show up anyway?”. Uh, if you can’t figure that out, I am not going to tell you. Maybe its just better if I handle the “technical” stuff from here on out.

  5. I started out laughing, but then realized it isn’t so funny when you’ve actually encountered most of these in the normal course of your work!
    When you find that credit card, can you sign up for me too? 😉
    Have a great weekend!

  6. I’m laughing so hard I can barely speak!
    Sharing a quote, true story, to add to the list
    “IT doesn’t want to implement the redirects right now. They said to get back to them in 6 months.” I’ll leave the response up to your imagination…

  7. Ian,
    I was always speechless when confronted with #13 – I’m paying you, so why I am not #1 for all keywords? Now I have an answer!! I often was very tempted to substitute “nostril” for something different, but your response is perfect. Thank you for the ideas. LOL.

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