SEO widows, you know who you are: Your spouse/significant other comes home with a twinkle in their eye because they just “fixed a major spider trap” or “discovered a new component of the Google TrustRank algorithm”. Then they leave for a week to go to some conference, and you get to hear about their drunken exploits on 451 different social media outlets.
Worst of all, you have no idea what to get them for the holidays. What the hell do you buy for someone when their greatest thrill is attracting links from .org domains?
Well, I’m here to help. As a ‘high-functioning geek’, I can bridge the gap between the Normal and the SERP-obsessed. Here are my picks for great gifts, in no particular order:
- An iPhone. Duh. It’s shiny. Plus, they can put Omnifocus on their phone and make sure they’ve got their task list prioritized. Whatever the heck that means.
- The Landing Page Handbook by MarketingSherpa. It costs as much as an iPhone, weighs as much as a phone book, and it’ll make your geek weep with joy. In all seriousness, this book can turn the worst landing page campaign around. If that means nothing, don’t worry. Buy this, and your SEO-obsessive will make you dinner for a month.
- Arc Nerf Blaster. First, if you buy this for someone, make sure they promise NOT to use it on you. By the third time they pelt you with foam darts while yelling “DIE DIE DIE” you’ll want to ram the entire gun down their throat. But, it’s way cool, and if you want the man or woman in your life to win the office arms race, this is a sure winner.
- The Amazon Kindle. Amazon’s e-book reader will make any pasty search engine pirate drool with envy.
- Wordze Subscription. If you want to see more of your nerdier half, buy them the Wordze keyword service. It’ll help them find the best keywords for SEO/SEM projects faster. Translation: They might work less.
- The Herman Miller Embody. It’s absurdly expensive, so don’t even bother looking unless you’ve already got 7 houses. But this chair looks damned comfy. And it has a cool spinal aesthetic. It’s just neat.
- The Electric Drum T-shirt. Like a real drum set, only more annoying. If your significant other is attractive, this shirt will drive away competition like bug repellant.
- The SEO Copywriting E-book. By me. Cough. I gotta try, right?
- Bawls Energy Drink. Ever wonder why the most hyper people need MORE caffeine? Me neither. But Bawls will wire them up like no other legal substance. Warning: You may want to give them one bottle at a time, over a period of weeks.
- The Web Developers Toolbar. Assuming they don’t already have this, send ’em the link and say “Happy Winterfest!” It’s free, it’s awesome, and it’ll save them from hours of poring through source code trying to find that one misplaced H1 tag. Translation: It lets them see bad SEO stuff faster.
- Ogilvy on Advertising. THE guide for all forms of marketing, including search. If they don’t like it, leave them. Well, don’t leave them, but give them the stink eye.
- Mad Men, Season 1. Greatest. Drama. Ever. Warning: May give men with chauvinist tendencies ideas. May give women urge to shoot pigeons with BB guns.
- A Wired subscription. Wired Magazine is the publication for cool geeks. It’s sort of our People magazine.
- Clothes. We can’t dress ourselves. Really. My wife has all but given up. Make sure everything goes with everything or we’ll end up wearing green socks with a white shirt and black jeans.
- A Big Wet One. The fact that you’re even hanging out with an SEO geek shows just how far the entire species has come. Give ’em a kiss and make it clear you find their little foibles charming.