Rank Top 10 in 24 hours: I GAAAHHHHRANTEEE!

Ian Lurie

Today, I was ready to write a scathing article outing another SEO fraud. Someone who is using some savvy marketing and influential friends to tell lots of people about his ‘system’. Someone who can’t even optimize his own web site.

Someone who says a ‘secret link building strategy’ that’s part of his fantastic system is to donate to charities in exchange for links. Really?!!! OMG I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT YOU ARE A FRAKKING GENIUS MAN NO WONDER YOU’VE GOT AMAZING CLIENTS.

Deep breaths…

But I stopped. It felt mean. It felt a little like kicking a puppy because it’s ugly. It felt like kicking that ugly puppy when there are 10,000 other ugly-assed puppies right behind it, waiting to stumble cheerfully forward. It felt mean and futile.

Instead, I’ve decided to join ’em. So, here is my new special SEO promotion:

Get on Google Page 1 Today With SEO Sekrits

Yo, business owner. You’ve spent years trying to get a top ranking in Google, haven’t you? HAVEN’T YOU?! Yeah, I thought so.

Well, this is your lucky day: For the first time ever, I’m letting a few lucky people pay me to learn my kick-ass, unstoppable, greatest-ever SEO system.

It’s true. I have a formula so secret, so confidential, that Google would crash a satellite into my house if they knew I had it. Sergey Brin has keyed my car at least three times. Matt Cutts stuck a nail in my tire, leaving me nearly stranded in Gig Harbor. Hell, Steve Ballmer used Microsoft’s time machine to go back to 1992, where he tried to kill me by making a right turn into a parking lot in his Ford Fusion while I was cycling through Santa Monica. I kid you not.

But now, I’m giving you the chance to share the secret. Just remember, you have to read the waiver first:

horse-nail-polish.jpg

The moment you pay me, I’ll send you my 300 DVD set that includes:

  • How to write a blog;
  • How to comment on blogs;
  • My 3-step YouTube Marketing Fountain Flood Stream program;
  • 2 hours of footage of me driving a really expensive car, so you know how much freaking money you’ll make;
  • The SEO Sekrit I can’t tell you about here, because they’ll kill me if I do.

All of this for only $777 dollars.

So WTF are you waiting for? BUY IT DAMN YOU. Just e-mail your credit card information to seo-sekrit AT conversationmarketing.com. Just wait. It’s SO AWESOME.

Oh, and did I mention? I’m only allowing 500000 people to sign up! HURRY WHILE YOU CAN SLOTH-BOY. Otherwise you’ll be stuck with all the other losers, looking in from the outside.

OK, I’m out of breath. See you all tomorrow…

Ian Lurie
Founder

Ian Lurie is founder of Portent. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). Ian's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Ian is now an independent consultant and continues to work with the Portent team- training the agency group on all things digital. You can find him at www.ianlurie.com

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Comments

  1. in fact in never comment anythin, but ian i´ve got to tell you that i really love to read your blog and this one is so hilarious – just great.
    so greetings from bavaria in good ol germany and i hope you´ll never stop bloggin (you cannot imagine how frightened i was when i read your yesterdays headline…)

  2. Absolute classic. I just happen to be thinking of this topic yesterday. Some ‘SEO guru’ has a sign outside his house guaranteeing number 1 ranking on Google. The sign didn’t even have an asterisks.
    Sure you could rank number one for your company name – but who’s searching for that? Reminds me of the saying ‘There’s a gap in the market, but is there a market in the gap?’

  3. Oh yeah, well I’m on page one of Google for “hamster shoes”, and I didn’t buy no secret system. So there!
    (It was a post about picking a niche that was too obscure).
    Thanks for the laugh.

  4. I love it! How many of those do you come across with one day? Too many to remember.Just a fun fact, if you ever need a yacht or boat shipped anywhere, Yacht Exports is your best bet. They have done a great job with me!

  5. Ian, I only “like” one of your post & now this little “like” of mine is on every post you have, is that a bug on FB end or you changed something in the code?

  6. @bortokali I’d set it up to ‘Like’ the blog, not the site. But I may change it as it’s causing a lot of confusion.

  7. This post is just too damn good. I needed this like that 3pm cookie. okay maybe like 4 cookies.
    Love you blog.

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