Rank Top 10 in 24 hours: I GAAAHHHHRANTEEE!
Ian Lurie Apr 19 2010
Today, I was ready to write a scathing article outing another SEO fraud. Someone who is using some savvy marketing and influential friends to tell lots of people about his ‘system’. Someone who can’t even optimize his own web site.
Someone who says a ‘secret link building strategy’ that’s part of his fantastic system is to donate to charities in exchange for links. Really?!!! OMG I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT YOU ARE A FRAKKING GENIUS MAN NO WONDER YOU’VE GOT AMAZING CLIENTS.
But I stopped. It felt mean. It felt a little like kicking a puppy because it’s ugly. It felt like kicking that ugly puppy when there are 10,000 other ugly-assed puppies right behind it, waiting to stumble cheerfully forward. It felt mean and futile.
Instead, I’ve decided to join ’em. So, here is my new special SEO promotion:
Get on Google Page 1 Today With SEO Sekrits
Yo, business owner. You’ve spent years trying to get a top ranking in Google, haven’t you? HAVEN’T YOU?! Yeah, I thought so.
Well, this is your lucky day: For the first time ever, I’m letting a few lucky people pay me to learn my kick-ass, unstoppable, greatest-ever SEO system.
It’s true. I have a formula so secret, so confidential, that Google would crash a satellite into my house if they knew I had it. Sergey Brin has keyed my car at least three times. Matt Cutts stuck a nail in my tire, leaving me nearly stranded in Gig Harbor. Hell, Steve Ballmer used Microsoft’s time machine to go back to 1992, where he tried to kill me by making a right turn into a parking lot in his Ford Fusion while I was cycling through Santa Monica. I kid you not.
But now, I’m giving you the chance to share the secret. Just remember, you have to read the waiver first:
The moment you pay me, I’ll send you my 300 DVD set that includes:
- How to write a blog;
- How to comment on blogs;
- My 3-step YouTube Marketing Fountain Flood Stream program;
- 2 hours of footage of me driving a really expensive car, so you know how much freaking money you’ll make;
- The SEO Sekrit I can’t tell you about here, because they’ll kill me if I do.
All of this for only $777 dollars.
Oh, and did I mention? I’m only allowing 500000 people to sign up! HURRY WHILE YOU CAN SLOTH-BOY. Otherwise you’ll be stuck with all the other losers, looking in from the outside.
OK, I’m out of breath. See you all tomorrow…
What could possibly be related to this? Nothing.
However, you could always buy my SEO Copywriting e-book, which costs $7 and is 99% crap free. Or you can just follow me on Twitter so that, when I finally have that mental breakdown, you can watch me type things like “Running down Southcenter Parkway Naked. Police chasing.” and “Just gave Seattle Mayor a big wet one on national TV. Police tasing.”
CEO & Founder
Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent. He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Forbes.com and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, SIC and ad:Tech. Follow him on Twitter at portentint. He also just published a book about strategy for services businesses: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle. Read More