You don’t rank in the top 10 Google results for your full name (witnessed this very week).
You don’t know what nofollow is.
You think ‘semantic’ is a software company that protects PC’s from viruses.
You think ‘canonical’ is what happens when you’re made a saint.
You feel obligated to tell people you’re a “top eBay marketing partner”. Huh?
You wave toolbar PageRank around like a weapon, not realizing it’s actually a limp noodle.
You write like a vicodin-addled raccoon.
You market your services with calls to action like “Want cheap adult traffic?”
You think putting a NO-CACHE directive at the top of every page of your site will actually help you rank better.
You still use tables throughout your web site. It probably doesn’t impact your SEO but it’s lame, stupid and it irritates the hell out of me that you’re out there presenting yourself as some kind of search god when you’re still writing code using Microsoft Frontpage.
You can’t seem to tell anyone what your “system” is for SEO. That, by the way, is because you don’t have one you frakking idiot. You’re doing what everyone else does, only less well and less thoroughly.
You guarantee that people who buy your system will absolutely be on page 1 of Google within NN days. But you don’t say what for, or how, or for how long, or anything else of meaning or import, for that matter.
You can’t spell ‘social media’.
You can’t seem to put the web address of a single one of your clients anywhere on your site.
Ian Lurie is CEO and founder of Portent and the EVP of Marketing Services at Clearlink. He's been a digital marketer since the days of AOL and Compuserve (25 years, if you're counting). He's recorded training for Lynda.com, writes regularly for the Portent Blog and has been published on AllThingsD, Smashing Magazine, and TechCrunch. Ian speaks at conferences around the world, including SearchLove, MozCon, Seattle Interactive Conference and ad:Tech. He has published several books about business and marketing: One Trick Ponies Get Shot, available on Kindle, The Web Marketing All-In-One Desk Reference for Dummies, and Conversation Marketing. Follow him on Twitter at portentint, and on LinkedIn at LinkedIn.com/in/ianlurie.